Monday, August 20, 2012

My family

So, apart from my VERY dysfunctional character family (Think Mamma Mia in Elizabethan England), I have found the most amazing family in the people that I work with.

Let's see....
I've found a few mother and father type figures, several siblings, aunts and uncles- not to mention those awkward cousins who I wonder if I'm really related to but I love anyway so I must be related to them.

This Sunday I woke up after a MARVELOUS Saturday and my world crashed down around me. My Grandpa Jones will never be able to see what I've done in Ren Faire. I can't tell him (physically) about how much I've learned or what my plans are or how amazing all of these people are.

For anyone who doesn't know by now, summer after my junior year in high School, June 21, my Grandpa died.
Our birthdays are one day apart. I like to think that my Grandpa and I had a special bond. There were a lot of things about him that I didn't realize we had in common until I heard about them at his funeral.
I miss him a lot. I know that his passing when he did was probably a good thing and spared him a lot of pain. He had senior dementia and it was hard for all of us. Whenever I hear bagpipes I think of him, and owls are sort of symbolic of my Grandpa. He carved the most beautiful things out of wood and owls were one of his favorites.

So I go up to Ren Faire really just trying to keep myself together. During morning meeting I drew an owl in my Captains Log and tried to keep it together. Then I went back to the green room and tried to keep myself together. I'm pretty good at shutting everything off and keeping myself together. I tried to bring out my character when playing Towers with Hawkyns and Frobisher, but it really wasn't working. This is what happens when I shut down. Non-functional not good stuff. I was ready to label the day as a "fake it till you make it" type day.
I ended up backstage in the Pole Barn just needing some space to breathe and possibly cry. One of my friends who plays Jinx the over sized Jester asked if I wanted to talk and was very nice when I couldn't really bring myself to do so because I knew I'd pretty much lose it. John came in and I got asked again if I wanted to talk about it. By this time I had my hat over my head and pulled low over my face because I was starting to cry.

Let's get another thing straight. I don't cry easily. Some people will cry at the drop of a hat. I used to have a complex where I saw crying as being weak, but only if I was the one crying. I'm over that but I still don't cry easily.
I can't lie to these people. I just can't. It's pretty much impossible for me to be dishonest around any of the rennies because if I was I'd feel so awful I'd rat myself out. So I started to talk about how I miss my Grandpa. I wish I could tell him things without talking to the air. I knew there would be certain milestones in life that he won't be there for (like my wedding), but I wasn't expecting to be upset that I can't tell him about Faire. I'm sure I said a few other things but your brain gets foggy and your nose gets rather stuffy when you're crying.

John and Jinx were great. They gave me support and didn't try to say "I understand." John actually made a point of saying that he doesn't know what I'm feeling, but he's lost people too and we do go through these moments. He said that Ren Faire is probably the safest and most supporting place to have a moment like the one I was having.
They said how proud they were of me, and how proud they know my Grandpa is of me. Even if I can't see him, he can see me, which I do believe (still sucks on my end of the deal). Then Lettuce came in and asked who she needed to kill and sat with us for a little while as I finished calming down and we had a good laugh about how these types of moments never happen when it's convenient. 

The first rehearsal for Street Cast I went too, I was sitting by myself on the benches before things started. I heard an owl hooting.

Just as a side note- the rest of my dad was fantastic and I had so many laughs and fun times. This summer has passed too quickly. Thank you to all of my family in RenFaire. I don't think I've been able to trust people so much or so quickly as I have with all of you. I can't wait for the next two weekends and the new adventures they will bring.

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